Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
