She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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