life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
