i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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