I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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