Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
