I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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