TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
