it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sarcasm needs its own font
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
