I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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