I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
