I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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