I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
