Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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