hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
