sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
