I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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