My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
