please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
