That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
