I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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