Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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