I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
