i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
