My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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