M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
