I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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