Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Randomize
