it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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