im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
