Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
