I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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