The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
