I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
