There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
