I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
