I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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