I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
