when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
