life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
