You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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