Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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