Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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