Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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