How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
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First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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