I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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