had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
