Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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