I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
