My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
