I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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