this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
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Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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