he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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