Sponge bath it is.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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