I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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