Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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