I bet he comes in French.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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