and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
