Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
