you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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