If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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