shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
