4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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