Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
