i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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