My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
