now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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