woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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