he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol