My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....